“Inside Pitch” takes a whimsical look at the future of flying in the not- so-friendly skies of America. What will we be required to pay for next?

Additional fees are the lifeblood
of commercial aviation in the U.S.

A WHIMSICAL VIEW OF THE FUTURE OF
FLYING IN NOT-SO-FRIENDLY SKIES
 
By David Maril
 
Don’t be surprised if you start hearing these kinds of announcements from many of the major airlines in coming months:

  “In order to combat the rising fuel costs, we will no longer provide free magazines on flights. Travelers who want to read magazines can purchase in-flight subscriptions. There will be opportunities to earn points through subscriptions on deals like time-sharing properties.”

  “To cut down on weight and wind drag, we will not offer seating on flights under 500 miles. Travelers will remain standing and have a rail to hold on to if turbulence occurs. The airline figures the absence of seats will save $9 million in fuel costs per month.

“Without rows and rows of seats, the airplanes will be thousands of pounds lighter,” a company insider reveals.

“We’ll save a fortune on fuel and we’ll also be able to fit at least 40 more people on each flight. And when people are holding on to rails, they will not have time to think about the snack and refreshment service they are missing.” 

  “In another airplane weight-reduction plan, we will limit beer selections to lite beer only and play only light music on our in-flight sound system. We want to be known more as the ‘lightweights of the industry’ to stretch how far our planes can go,” one company vice president says.

  Another airline announces it will start making customers weigh in when they buy tickets, selling seating by the pound. Anyone weighing in over 150 lbs. pays an extra $10 for each pound.

“You buy food by the pound and trucks have to weigh in on highways, so why not be fair about airline tickets and have passengers pay according to their weight?” an airline spokesperson says.

AIRLINE SHUTTLE FEE FOR A GOLF CART

  Another airline plans to save fuel by keeping its jets on the runway and not taxiing up to the terminal. Passengers unwilling to walk from the terminal to the airplane, as it’s warming up for takeoff, will have to pay a $25 shuttle fee for riding out on a golf cart.

“Not only will we be saving gate fees, we’ll economize on thousands of gallons of fuel by shutting off the engines as soon as we land,” an airline executive says.

“This will reduce our turnaround time. We can land, let people off right away and board the new passengers who are waiting for the plane to land, without wasting time rolling up to the terminal.”

  Another airline unveils a design of planes without overhead bins.

Passengers will put their belongings in packages, before boarding, and pay to have them shipped to their destination.

“Besides reducing weight on the airplanes, this will speed up security because there will no longer be carry-on stuff to have to screen,” the company’s regional media coordinator says.
 
  One airline announces that starting Sept. 1st, flights will be cancelled when airplanes are less than half full.

“With the high cost of fuel, we can’t afford to fly airplanes that are near-empty,” an executive explains. “If an airplane is going to take off, it has to be filled or it’s not going anywhere.”

NEXT AVAILABLE FLIGHT… IN THREE DAYS

“Passengers will be put on the next available flight within three days,” the executive adds as an afterthought.

  Another airline decides to charge passengers extra fees when a flight is delayed, late or takes longer than scheduled.

“We have to pay our employees for their overtime, and passengers need to foot the bill for the extra time spent breathing our oxygen and sitting in our seats on board,” is the explanation.

Does all this sound absurd? Well, who would have ever figured just one commercial carrier, Southwest Airlines, would be the only one left not charging for all checked bags?

While free meals, snacks and drinks are on the verge of becoming extinct on domestic flights, most of the airlines continually increase their extra fees and penalties whenever a passenger’s itinerary is modified.

All it takes is one airline to raise prices and increase fees for routine services, and the others follow. Thanks to corporate mergers, there’s less competition, and passengers have fewer options when booking trips.

Years ago, many of us laughed at the former cut-rate airline People Express having flight attendants walk up and down the aisles pushing carts and selling sandwiches, chewing gum and drinks.

It turns out People’s was ahead of the aviation curve.

  How long will it be before we are paying extra fees for the use of overhead reading lights and folding trays?
 
davidmaril@voiceofbaltimore.org
 
“Inside Pitch” is a weekly opinion column written for Voice of Baltimore by David Maril.
 
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