Is this the real Martin O’Malley? or a “MO’M lookalike”?   (Ya gotta read the column or you won’t get the joke.)

O’MALLEY DENIES PLAN
TO USE LOOKALIKES
IN 2016 CAMPAIGN

TV’s ‘Meet the Press’ schedules
Jan. 18 show without any press

SENATOR SCHUMER DISCUSSES POLLS;
IS RALPH NADER A ‘FRESH NEW FACE’?
 
By David Maril
 
One of the great perks of having been in the newspaper business is all the great anonymous sources that are readily available to provide inside information.

With the arrival of 2015, here’s a guide and calendar — with highlights for the upcoming year — culled from an army of admitted experts, inside traders, outside traitors, conspiracy theorists, and political inactivists:

Jan. 13 — Maryland gasoline stations warn there will be a shortage of the numeral “1” for their display signs when prices drop below $2.00 a gallon.

Jan. 18 — “Meet The Press,” the longest running news show on network television, makes history by not including a single press journalist on its Sunday discussion guest panel.

Jan. 21 — After a six-inch snowstorm, two county towns announce they have already spent their entire snowplowing budget for the winter.

Jan. 24 — With flu vaccines less effective battling the strain of viruses this year and people obsessed with sterilizing their hands every time they touch a doorknob, stock in companies that make disinfectant tissues and hand-wipes is up more than $75 a share.

Feb. 8 — A group of impatient liberals, led by Massachusetts Sen. Elizabeth Warren, who feel President Barack Obama has sold them out, form an activist group called the Coffee Party, demanding big government and more spending to contain the “fat cats” of Wall Street.

Feb. 17 — Ralph Nader launches a consumer safety campaign to have real bumpers and fenders restored to cars.

Feb. 23 — Martin O’Malley, former Maryland governor, denies rumors that he has two lookalike fill-ins to help make it appear he’s campaigning in more than one state at a time, trying to get his name recognized so he can make a legitimate bid to challenge Hillary Clinton for the Democratic presidential nomination.

PELOSI INTRODUCES BILL TO BAN TV REMOTE CONTROL

March 3 — House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi files a bill in Congress to ban television companies from manufacturing remote control channel devices, insisting they contribute to the obesity problem in the United States. Too many people are not moving from their chairs and getting enough exercise, she maintains.

March 17 — An investigative report on “60 Minutes” reveals that 95 percent of the stickers that say “Made in America” are produced in China.

March 23 — One Eastern Shore community in Maryland makes history by having three Dunkin’ Donuts franchises so close together they share the same parkin’ lot.

April 13 — One smartphone company promises unlimited minutes each month if the customer calls or texts the same person at least 50 times a day.

April 20 — Despite the earlier concern about flu vaccination strain mixture, national health officials admit cases for 2014-15 ended up actually being below normal.

April 27 — The government announces that TSA “pat-down” agents will be issued one semester of credits recognized by all accredited massage therapy schools.

May 1 — Dr. Ben Carson, the retired Johns Hopkins neurosurgeon, decides he will run for president as an independent, seeking support from dissatisfied voters in both major parties.

May 11 — Congress appoints a 40-member blue-ribbon committee to make recommendations within a year on how to cut government waste.

HILLARY CLINTON TO GIVE UP LAUGHING

May 19 — The New York Post reveals that Hillary Clinton has been visiting a hypnotist to help her give up laughing. A research study just completed by her campaign estimated the Democrats’ leading presidential candidate loses 53,000 votes every time a microphone captures the hard-edged tones of her laughter.

May 30 — The Tea Party labels Jeb Bush, GOP presidential nominee hopeful, a socialist.

June 9 — Sen. Lindsey Graham breaks Sen. Charles E. Schumer’s all-time record for most appearances on Sunday network news talk shows, with 113 programs in 52 weeks. Thanks to the miracle of taping, he often appears on different networks at the same time.

June 18 — After an exhaustive government task force studying homeland security finishes its research, it recommends the White House purchase old-fashioned chain sliding-latches for all doors leading to the outside.  “We have found shocking lapses in security,” says one inside source, who has been trapped inside the White House since the Nixon years.

 Chop Suey is widely believed to have been invented in America by  Chinese immigrants and may never really have been Chinese at all.

June 27 — A government study reveals 90 percent of the Chinese food served in this country is made from American recipes.

July 2 — Legal experts predict the network battle over who owns the rights to the “swoosh” sound used on promotions of sports broadcasts’ accompanying graphics, will wind up in front of the Supreme Court.

July 12 — John Kerry, appearing on “Face The Nation,” “Meet The Press,” “Fox News Sunday,” ABC’s “This Week,” “60 Minutes,” “Saturday Night Live” and ”Frontline” over a 48-hour period, says the hardest part of being Secretary of State is trying to avoid the media.

July 19 — After an exhaustive search for a new GOP candidate to run for president, Donald Trump’s special committee names him the best qualified person to make a run for the White House.  “I didn’t want to hear him tell me I was fired,” admitted the special committee chairman.

July 24 — Chuck Schumer says that despite all the criticism from the right, opinion polls prove a majority of Americans believe the economy, bolstered by programs from the Democrats, is improving.

July 28 — When asked why the latest opinion polls show that a growing number of voters worry about the federal budget deficit and are becoming skeptical of big-spending programs, Schumer says polls are meaningless and he doesn’t pay any attention to them.

Aug. 3 — Five U.S. cities, including Washington and Boston, bidding to host the 2016 Olympics try to hire Mitt Romney to lead their delegations.

 Vladimir Putin:  Who would’ve thought the Russian President was into  musical comedy?  But will he apologize for plagiarizing Irving Berlin?

Aug. 16 — Vladimir Putin schedules a lecture at the Ritz-Carlton in New York on global economic challenges, entitled “Putin on the Ritz.”

Aug. 20 — Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid reveals, in an exclusive story published by Rolling Stone about how he’s really a misunderstood, friendly and outgoing person, that he and Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell have not spoken to each other outside of the Senate chamber in over 15 years.

Aug. 26 — Orioles shortstop J.J. Hardy is on target to win another gold glove.

Sept. 2 — Hollywood insiders reveal that the movie “The Interview” ended up making $75 million more and was seen by three times the audience it would have received if it hadn’t been initially pulled from theaters because of security concerns.

Sept. 9 — A state study reveals that “pay as you go” garbage plans are not working out as well as they should be in towns because too many cheapskates take their garbage to work, using company dumpsters for free.

Sept. 13 — When questioned by a congressional committee why cable rates keep going up, an industry spokesman explains, “We are continually adding new channels, like the Yodeling Network, Dinosaur Channel and Road Shopping Network.

Sept. 19 — With the next presidential election just over a year away, Ralph Nader says he is entering the race because the Democrats are in cahoots with the Republicans, and voters are looking for a fresh new face.

Sept. 23 — A new reality show program called “Your Say,” where cameras are set up in public squares of cities around the country, and people walking by say whatever they want, shown on 10-second delay, is being bid on by the major networks.

Oct. 7 — PBS schedules Ken Burns’ new 15-part, 25-hour documentary on the role badminton has played in the American way of life, to air on Monday nights.

Oct. 15 — When WikiLeaks releases a number of secret foreign documents casting a bad light on North Korea and Iran, many charges are quietly dropped against Julian Paul Assange.

Badminton:  The “new American pastime” requires deep concentration! as revealed in this men’s doubles match where only the blue lines are specific to the badminton court in multi- use sports halls. Ken Burns’ new 15-part, 25-hour documentary analyzes in painstaking de- tail the sport’s century-long struggle for recognition, in competition with other uniquely non- American games such as battledore and hanetsuki, which are also played using shuttlecocks.

Oct. 23 — Persistently pestered as he prepares to retire from office about whether he’ll issue a pardon and rescind Pete Rose’s lifetime ban from baseball for gambling, Commissioner Bud Selig says the odds are 99-1 against it because he is repulsed by any hint of betting.

Oct. 28 — The main revelation from a $50 million five-year government study on questionable loan practices, is that consumers are most vulnerable borrowing money when they are short of cash.

Oct. 30 — The Baltimore Orioles win their first World Championship since 1983.

Nov. 3 — Federal regulators make it mandatory, beginning with 2016 models, for all electric and hybrid vehicles to be equipped with sound-speakers that play recordings of truck motors roaring when the cars are in their electric modes. This way pedestrians will be able to hear the clean-air vehicles coming.

Nov. 8 — A group of historical preservationists introduce a bill to restore slabs of concrete pavement that used to produce the thumping ride on the Baltimore Washington Parkway. They reason that people will have to drive more slowly, reducing accidents. They also want to resurrect the huge, colorful auto junkyards that used to ordain the highway on the outskirts of the city.

Nov. 12 — NBC announces another spinoff of its once popular “Law and Order” show, called “Law and Order: SUV.” The series will deal exclusively with cases involving people who own heavy-duty all-terrain vehicles. Former U.S. Sen. John Edwards is signed on as the lead attorney.

Nov. 19 — A well-organized collection of lonely consumers convinces Congress to start a “Do-Call List.”

Nov. 24 — CBS has to deal with an age discrimination lawsuit against “60 Minutes” that claims on-air talent under 65 gets little consideration when full-time jobs open up.

TED CRUZ FILIBUSTERS, GETS NOTHING DONE

Nov. 29 — Texas Sen. Ted Cruz tries to block a vote on the budget by speaking on the U.S. Senate floor for 18 hours, reading nursery rhymes and names from a phonebook before harshly criticizing his colleagues for not getting anything done.

Dec. 8 — The FCC approves the merger of the golf and fishing cable channels, which will be called “Fish and Chips.”

Dec. 11 — President Obama issues an executive order substituting the word “folks” for the word “people” in all future bills he signs.

Dec. 14 — Fox Business Network commentator Lou Dobbs is hired as a border patrol guard in New Mexico.

Dec. 18 — CNN announces it’s dropping news coverage from its lineup next year.

Dec. 31 — New calendar arrives for 2016.
 
davidmaril@voiceofbaltimore.org
 
“Inside Pitch” is a weekly opinion column written for Voice of Baltimore by David Maril.
 
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