According to the pollsters’ stats, the so-called “unde- cided voters” often decide the outcome of elections.

WHO ARE ALL THESE STUBBORN,
INDECISIVE CITIZENS THAT THE
POLITICIANS ARE COURTING?

A COMPREHENSIVE RESEARCH PROJECT
PROFILING THESE UNNAMED VOTERS
MAY SHED LIGHT ON THIS MYSTERY
 
By David Maril
 
All through political campaigns, whether it’s national or local, we keep hearing about how everything hinges on the undecided voters.

Before Republican Larry Hogan defeated Anthony G. Brown in the Maryland Governor’s race, we continually heard warnings that many Democrats had not made up their minds about supporting Martin O’Malley’s Lieutenant Governor.

It didn’t seem to matter that Marylanders had been barraged by TV and radio commercials for months, and the two candidates had debated. In the end, Brown lost because too many of the Democratic majority never did decide to vote for him and stayed home.

The coverage of who the undecided are leaning towards will intensify in the upcoming presidential race. With the Republicans attracting just about every conservative who can raise money and is against national healthcare and progressive immigration reform, there will be even more undecided voters.

So many bad choices to make a decision on.

On the Democrats’ side, voters will have trouble deciding on Hillary Clinton because they know too much about her.

Conversely, It will be just as difficult for them to decide on Bernie Sanders, Martin O’Malley and Jim Webb because they won’t know enough about them.

Still, it’s always been a mystery to me why so many people always come up with a reason not to make up their minds. This is especially vexing in presidential politics.

A STUBBORN GROUP OF HOLDOUTS

Even after so many debates, in the primaries and main election, billions of dollars worth of political advertising, six months of television interviews and enough speeches to cure the worst cases of insomnia, there is always still a stubborn group of holdouts who are labeled undecided going into Election Day.

When interviewed the day before the election, many will say they are still waiting for some sort of sign or revelation and don’t have enough information to make up their minds.

It all raises the question of who exactly are these undecided voters.

What sort of people are they?

What do they do?

What do they like?

Where do they live?

Finally, we do have some polling results from a scientific study done by a research venture commissioned by satellite radio’s Fish and Chip Network, dedicated to golfers and fishermen.

Through this exhausting study, we are finally able to begin profiling these undecided voters. Political consultants are already placing orders for published copies of this study.

Interestingly enough, research reveals most are unsure of their own preferences and are difficult to interview, and struggle trying to complete surveys and questionnaires.

When pressured for an answer, most picked gray as their favorite color.

When asked to choose a favorite meal dining out, 60 percent said whatever the restaurant’s special of the day was, and 35 percent said whatever most of the other people at their table ordered.

When asked about decisions they felt the most pressure making, 70 percent responded: deciding between baked potatoes and French fries when eating out. Salad dressing selection wasn’t far behind.

When questioned about favorite vacation spots, most said they hadn’t taken a vacation trip for years because they couldn’t decide where to go.

An astounding 95 percent of these undecided who had gone hunting, admitted they had never bagged any type of game because they had been too slow pulling the trigger.

They fared somewhat better in fishing: Only 65 percent said they lost most of their fish off the hook because they were torn on when to reel the catch in or give it slack to run.

Most of the undecided were also very weak in playing pinball games, seldom even breaking into double-figure scoring.

Many admitted they often spend as much as 15 minutes circling rotaries   because of indecision on which fork or road to take.

Reading through the scientific data, a pretty clear picture begins to emerge and you realize these people are all around us.

When you are waiting at Dunkin Donuts, it’s the person at the front, who, after already being in line 10 minutes, deliberates for 30 seconds when asked to place the order.

HOW DONUTS AFFECT THE OUTCOME OF GLOBAL WARMING

It’s as if the outcome of global warming rests on the decision of whether to get a chocolate or a jelly donut.

Go to the merchandise return-desk of any department store, especially after the holidays, and you’ll find two-thirds of the customers are from this undecided group and complaining they made the wrong purchasing decision because they were rushed when it came time to buy.

You can find them in plenty of other places as well.

Ever start cursing under your breath when driving on a highway and you see a car moving in reverse in the breakdown lane to go back to an exit 100 yards behind that was missed because the driver couldn’t make up his mind quickly enough?

A surprisingly high percentage of undecided, over 75 percent, do not have cable television because they can’t decide on which packages to order. They also fear having too many channels and facing the stress of choices that would have to be made about what to watch.

In conclusion, the research project determined that political candidates hoping to win-over these undecided voters would be unable to make up their minds how to win them over.
 
davidmaril@voiceofbaltimore.org
 
“Inside Pitch” is a weekly opinion column written for Voice of Baltimore by David Maril.
 
EDITOR’S NOTE:

However if you are unsure about whether you want to read Dave’s most recent column or one from several weeks or even many months back, then  click here  for the archive of every column he’s ever written for Voice of Baltimore.

Word to the wise (i.e., the undecided):  If there’s a chance the myriad choices might cause undue stress by increasing the difficulty of making a selection, then VoB recommends that maybe you should think twice before accessing such an extensive list, with so many columns to choose from — or maybe just select from the first five columns (i.e., the most recent entries) listed in the archive.

Or maybe you should look at several more pages of the archive? (there are five previous columns listed on each page).  We can’t decide what to recommend; however we can suggest which archived columns should come at the top of your list.