READER ADVISORY:  The opinions expressed herein are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of Voice of Baltimore or its editors, who have dutifully bleeped all (or at least most) objectionable language in order to spare the tender sensibilities of our gentle readers (including teen- agers who regularly use such “descriptive terms”) — leaving in its wake a hollow shell of a column.  (Not really, but as a general rule, VoB style does not permit the use of “salty” language.  LMFAO!)

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Presidential candidate Jeb Bush, left, shown here hugging his older brother, insists however he is not totally embracing him.

PIKESVILLE ATTORNEY/PUNDIT
RAGS ON PRESIDENTIAL
PROSPECTS & PRETENDERS

IS THE COUNTRY
ON THE HORNS
OF AN ENEMA?
 
By Jay Liner
 
If you’re jonesing for the marquee matchup next fall between Hillary and Jeb, I think it’s never too early to provide you with my expert political analysis of the next “most important election in American history.”

The presidential campaign has already begun woefully in the minds of most of us who follow politics. As to the current crop of candidates from both major parties, by the time the primaries are finished and the nominees have spoken at their respective conventions the country will be ready for a good enema.

The bulls**t will be coming out of all of them at a level never quite experienced before because of all the PAC money involved.

I have actually started my own PAC:  It’s called The Hard-On for America. (More on this later.)

The GOP as of this date has candidates from the far right to the far reaches of outer space.

Somewhere in that spectrum Jeb Bush will be championing the agenda of the Republicans hardcore to secure the nomination; and once that’s procured, if he’s successful he’ll gravitate toward the center and sell the deal to the silent majority/thousand points of light/compassionate conservatives who believe such crap.

This formula will apply to any of the GOP candidates à la the Romney Playbook unless they totally go nuts and nominate Ted Cruz — or Ben Carson who is from my home State of Maryland.

Marylander Alan Keyes was defeated in 2004 by then-Illinois State Sen. Barack Obama by a margin of nearly 3-1 for the U.S. Senate seat that catapulted Obama into the presidency four years later.

Carson is aptly doing his bit as the in-house crazy black motherf**ker for the Repub- licans. His very impressive credentials and stellar reputation as a Johns Hopkins pediatric brain surgeon get him a valued soapbox and a place at the lectern when the debates commence.

This is a well honored timely role filled by various other characters in the past. Most recently Herman Cain, the African-American Tea Party activist from Georgia, in 2012 filled that job with distinction.

However, the quintessential crazy black motherf**ker was another highly intelligent Marylander, Alan Keyes, a former diplomat who ran three times for president in 1996, 2000, and 2008.

Also, to add the cherry on the sundae, Keyes somehow became a resident of Illinois and in 2004 ran for the U.S. Senate against you know who and got trashed. His bona fides are unimpeachable.

But back to Jeb, my main point of focus.

Jeb’s got all the leftovers from his brother’s gang of thieves, and he’s very smooth. Married to a minority, and coming from a big populated swing state, he’s got to be considered the frontrunner by the pundits.

He‘s no mortal lock however, and in my humble opinion, has been showing signs of being as big a screwup in the grand tradition of his older brother.

A prime example was his response to being asked if he agreed with the invasion of Iraq. His answer was amateurish and foolishly evasive.

What the f**k did he think he was going to be asked? If he thinks that question’s a toughie, then he has no f**king clue.

KENNEDY COULDN’T ANSWER A SIMPLE QUESTION

This scenario reminds me of the infamous time Teddy Kennedy announced for the presidency in 1980 and was asked by Roger Mudd on “60 Minutes” why he was running for president — and couldn’t answer the question.

Sayonara baby.

Another example of this brilliant campaign strategy occurred last week, when the Pope, a down and dirty leftist, declared that global warming was a spiritual and religious issue. Bush, commenting on the papal edict assiduously ducked the directive from his spiritual leader.

For those readers who are semi-literate, Bush is now a practicing Catholic, having jettisoned the Episcopalians. He was handed a softball which he could have knocked out of the park, but instead he whimpered something about keeping religious ideas out of presidential politics.

A REPUBLICAN, FOR CHRISSAKE!

He’s a Republican, for Chrissake! All they do is worship God and religion.

Another disappointing example of what I call LDS, which is shorthand for Limp D**k Syndrome.

Jeb Bush has all the symptoms. He’s not my man.

And since I am a high roller, my PAC, The Hard-On For America, won’t endorse him, that’s for sure. My money will go to those who speak loudly and carry their big stick right where I can see it.

That includes Hillary.
 
jay.l.liner@gmail.com
 
EDITOR’S NOTE:  Jay Liner is an attorney practicing in Pikesville and is an avid political observer… who does not mince words.