1976 decathlon champion Caitlyn Jenner, a/k/a Bruce, shown here at the London Olympics in 2012, before he came out as Caitlyn and began flip-flopping like a presidential candidate making promises.

RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT
IS LIKE COMPETING
IN THE OLYMPICS

FLIP-FLOPPING LIKE A JENNER
 
By Jay Liner
 
In the news these past months has been the salacious obsession ’round the world with Bruce Jenner’s sex change, including his name change accordingly to Caitlyn.

Jenner, the 1976 Olympic decathlon champion, was considered to be the best athlete in the world four decades ago, having been given the unofficial title of “World’s Greatest Athlete” for his Cold War-era victory over formidable Soviet Union competitors.

The vigorous requirements of competing for the duration of a two-day event require speed, stamina, and strength in a myriad of events from races consisting of such sports as sprint and distance running.

In addition, high-jumping, pole vaulting, shot put, javelin and discus throws are among the other events a decathlon competitor is required to excel at.

It was a remarkable accomplishment by Jenner, but all that has been mostly forgotten as a result of the extensive media coverage in the decades since, from his ties to the Kardashians to the culmination of his notoriety regarding sexual preferences.

As I thought more and more about Bruce/Caitlyn’s accomplishment and their subsequent TV and movie career, plus his recent notoriety as a result of the transformation from male to female, I came to the realization that the upcoming American presidential campaign has many requirements similar to those which a decathlete has to meet, in his — or her — quest for victory.

In the sports world, strength, endurance, and mental agility can eventually get you the gold medal. The same is true in politics.

Utilizing Jenner and his protracted history of publicity and eventual transformation of his sexual identification, let me therefore propose a decathlon of sorts for running for president that should be in the best interests of the country, and would not be in violation of our Constitution.

A set of rules, if you will, to govern how the selection process of presidential nominees should play out, giving us, the voters, the best candidates to choose from.

So here’s my proposal for a Presidential Decathlon, 10 “rules of the road” for all those aspiring to occupy the White House Oval Office in the wake of Barack Obama:

1) No candidate can run for president while holding another elected office. You must resign from your current job.

If you’re not willing to let it all hang out then then you’d better toss your hat into a different ring.

2) If you do not have a current elected job and are looking to be president, then you must have at least one year of work on your résumé during the past 24 months paying no more than minimum wage.

Suitable jobs include counter person at Five Guys, emissions tester, or a golf course caddie. Working at Walmart (for minimum wage) and thereby helping the super-discount giant kill off the last of the old ma-and-pa retail stores qualifies as well.

If you’re a working stiff in the private world you have to do public service. For example: Donald Trump. I have him slated to be a tour guide at the Alamo.

3) You must have at least one gay relative and parade him or her around on all your campaign stops to prove how fair-minded you are.

However there is no marital mandate. But if you have a relative like Caitlyn-formerly-Bruce, you are in like Flynn. Or if you are in a live-in relationship with a close family member, sleeping in the same bedroom, you could be the Eleanor Roosevelt of the Modern Age.

FIRST LADIES OF WHATEVER SEXUAL ORIENTATION

Former First Ladies, of whatever sexual orientation, make excellent presidential candidates, whether they are cousins of a current president, ex-Secretaries of State, or not.

4) You do not get to pick your own vice presidential nominee.

Balloting for POTUS 2 will be done either via the Internet, whereby voters will be permitted to choose the candidate in the same fashion as picking players for Major League Baseball’s All-Star Game — or throwing the nomination open to the floor at the party conventions after the presidential nominee has been named.

This will be known as the “Adlai Stevenson Option” in recognition of the 1950s-era Democrat who lost two landslide elections to Republican Dwight D. Eisenhower.

If the choice is made through the Internet, Sarah Palin will be disqualified unless she disavows Fox News and joins MSNBC or CNN — unless Tina Fey reprises her SNL role and gives us some more good laughs at Sarah’s expense.

5) If you’re a Republican, you are barred upon pain of death from invoking the name of Ronald Reagan.

Acceptable alternatives include Herbert Hoover, Calvin Coolidge and Richard Nixon.

SPIRO AGNEW, ACCEPTABLE ALTERNATIVE

Also Spiro Agnew, if you are the vice presidential nominee of either party.

6) If you’re a Democrat, you’re barred and prevented from invoking the name of FDR or JFK. Acceptable alternatives are LBJ and JamesEarl Carter.

But if you’re Martin O’Malley, and running for president and/or vice president, or are from Maryland, feel free to nail Agnew by referring to him as Ted — or better still, “My kind of man.”

7) Your campaign advisers on foreign policy must include one or more of the following persons: Henry Kissinger, Zbigniew Brzezinski or John Boltin.

Or you can just wing it.

8) When campaigning in a state that allows medical marijuana or legalized pot, you must make at least one campaign stop at the dispensary of your choice, make a purchase and roll a joint.

Smoking is optional. (Check with Bill Clinton regarding whether or not to inhale.)

9) You will be required to issue a declaration that the Cold War has returned. In that regard, you will be forever prohibited from claiming that Vladimir Putin is your friend or can be reasoned with.

On the day of your inauguration, “Dr. Strangelove” will be shown on all media outlets.

If there are American hostages anywhere, Jimmy Carter will be praised for being a better ex- president than when he was in office, upon which Carter will then build a summer home for the new president and his/her First Man, First Lady or First Partner.

PSYCH EXAM RESULTS TO BE MADE PUBLIC

10) You must undergo a detailed psych exam, and the results are to be made public.

Any candidate diagnosed with Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder will be automatically nixed. However the good news is that if you have had a prior substance-abuse problem you are still eligible.

This caveat will be forever known as the Second Bush Doctrine.

.   .   .   .   .  

I’m positive that these mandates for the Presidential Decathlon will achieve great popularity and obtain for us the best — and worst — possible candidates from the two major parties.

An additional unofficial rule:  If you win your party’s nomination for president, you can’t switch horses in midstream like Jenner — by choosing to go in a “different direction” — or by switching out the vice presidential nominee à la George McGovern and Sargent Shriver.

If either of you has a history of mental illness, it will more than likely be viewed as a plus, considering the field of candidates in the horse race as of the present.

However you can flip-flop like a Jenner as regards your campaign promises.

Without this caveat, there would be no candidates in the race.
 
jay.l.liner@gmail.com
 
Voice of Baltimore Managing Editor AL Forman contributed to this report.
 
EDITOR’S NOTE:

In politics this is known as the “Hillary Rule” in recognition of the former First Lady’s God-given right to get away with far less criticism from the media than, say, a Gary Hart or Brian Williams.
 
CHECK OUT JAY LINER’S MOST RECENT VOICE OF BALTIMORE ENTRY:  click here.