JAY LINER’S RISQUÉ RIFF
 
A Voice of Baltimore Satire/Commentary

May not be suitable for sensitive eyes & ears
Little children should be monitored… however teenagers are sure to love it!

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The Rolling Stones’ hit “Sympathy for the Devil,” co-written by lead singer Mick Jagger and guitarist Keith Richards and performed in a rock arrange- ment with a samba rhythm, is an homage to the Devil, recounting in first-person narrative, from Satan’s point of view, the numerous atrocities committed throughout human history in his name.

THE DEMOCRATS’ ‘SECRET WEAPON’?
— THE DONALD AND SLICK WILLIE
SQUARE OFF IN COMPETITION
TO DETERMINE WHO’S GOT
MOST GALL, MOST NERVE

(You need to read between the lines
on that one: it’s actually a contest
about ‘size’ — and Clinton wins!)

SYMPATHY FOR THE DONALD?
THE DAUGHTER FROM HELL
PERSONIFIED ON THE TUBE

The ‘Schrödinger’s cat’ paradox
 
Please allow me to introduce myself,
I’m a man of wealth and taste;
I’ve been around for many a long year,
Stole many a man’s soul and faith.

 Rolling Stones Keith Richards, left, and Mick Jagger (1968)

Pleased to meet you,
Hope you guess my name;
But what is puzzling you
Is the nature of my game ……

“Sympathy for the Devil,” by Mick Jagger
and Keith Richards, The Rolling Stones
 
By Walter White, Jay Liner & The Devil
 
[Ya gotta check out Jay’s previous commentary
if you want clarification on “White/Heisenberg”
— so be sure to  click here  for the dope.]
 
Since his performance at last week’s GOP “de-fête” (a/k/a debate), the Great (Republican) Satan — also known as Donald Trump — has dominated the nation’s news and talk-shows on a scale never before accomplished by a universally acknowledged political also-ran.

All the so-called experts are reading the tea leaves and opining on Trump’s next move in his quest to become the nation’s Supreme Being, because becoming President is just too mundane for His Greatness.

But has he become the Devil for the Republicans, as well?

Like Pontius Pilate (the resurrection-era prefect of Rome’s Province of Judea) Trump is crucifying the Grand Old Party and skewering Republicans’ chances for a resurrection of their party’s presidential prospects.

This man is out of control, and all the analysts, experts and pundits are feeding the Luciferean beast.

Last year’s media devil was the Ravens’ Ray Rice. This year it’s New England’s Tom Brady. Small potatoes compared to The Donald situation.

The football fiascoes are fun and games, part of the national love affair with sports celebrity. However the Devil/Donald has insulted a large corps of voters, and yet his popularity continues to soar into the stratosphere unchecked, despite the fact it’s unlikely to ever rise from its current percentage levels. (See David Maril’s “Inside Pitch” column from last week — click here.)

Only in the Republican Party can this occur. The Democrats would have handled him much differently had he declared for their Jackass Party nomination.

William Jefferson Clinton: The Democrats’ “secret weapon” to defeat loose cannon Donald Trump in the upcoming presidential election.

They have a “secret weapon” …in the person of Bill Clinton, a loose cannon of an ex-President if there ever was one — although almost universally considered the most astute political strategist of our time, despite his many foibles.

I have no doubt that if Congress had not placed limits on the presidency in the aftermath of Franklin Roosevelt’s unprecedented four terms, concluding with Harry Truman’s tenure through 1952, Clinton could easily be reelected today.

Not so his wife. Hillary has a much harder row to hoe.

She, like many high-profile, over-the-top politicians — including her husband — is like the Heisenberg-spawned “Schrödinger’s cat,” a candidate both unbeatable and unelectable at the same time.

Like Slick Willie and The Donald, she is simultaneously loved and hated, trusted and distrusted, admired and maligned, and praised and vilified; the subject of ridicule while at the same time being glorified.

The last best hope for women and the nation; the worst thing that could happen to women and the nation.

And what about Trump? — Is he is? or is he ain’t? Does he have a fighting chance? or is he already toast from the get-go?

The GOP doesn’t know what to do with him. Nor has he decided how long he’ll continue to run for President as a Republican.

But here’s how the Dems would do things, given a rogue candidate like the Republicans’ worst nightmare:

For starters, Bill Clinton and Trump would face off with a contest to see who has the biggest pile of junk in his pants. Each would show their penis to a neutral judge, who would then take extensive measurements.

Monica Lewinsky, with her White House “mentor.”

Since we already know that Bill has the bigger package — although possibly not the most balls — The Donald would then be ostracized and sent into political exile, and would be finished as a candidate.

Slick Willie saves the day! Hillary hides her head in humiliation! Monica Lewinsky is vindicated for her presidential BJ, not to mention the unseemly stains on her dress… And Linda Tripp — who dumped on Hillary in the media just last month — becomes the former First Lady’s latest thorn-in-the-side.

Apparently, for a supposed front-runner, the ex-Secretary of State has many of these. Plus a campaign staff that lacks her husband’s uncanny ability to learn from his mistakes.

Tripp, the erstwhile tape-recording confidante of Ms. Lewinsky, told the London Daily Mail in an interview in late July that “Hillary must never become President…, that she will stop at nothing to achieve her end and that she views the public as plebeians easily seduced into believing her point of view.”

So is the carpet-bagging former New York Senator a female savior? or the Devil in drag?  Or both?

The universal choice to judge the Willie/Don Contest — Bill vs. Donald; the Maryland Governor in the mix is our “old friend Martin,” not the no-longer-living William Donald Schaefer — the choice would be Barbara Walters, also known as Baba Wawa.

Lewinsky and Tripp, both in the early running for judge, must be disqualified because of their prior first-person knowledge regarding Clinton’s private parts; and Fox News Commentator Megyn Kelly is unacceptable because of her menstrual cycle and demonstrated disdain for Trump — also because she’s an idiot!… but I’ll get to that later.

So what’s going on here?

First off, Trump offends the Hispanic voters. Then he trashes women. And on his opening salvo at the Aug. 6th televised love-fest of Republican mediocrity, he thumbs his nose at the 16 other GOP candidates by telling the television audience that these 15 men and one woman are not worthy of his support and adoration regardless of which one of them beats him for the nomination.

If he loses, he would consider running as an Independent, he announced in response to one of the debate moderator’s questions. In other words, he’s like the kid who doesn’t get picked on the playground, so he picks up his bat & ball and goes home.

Donald Trump (center, with Scott Walker, left, & Jeb Bush) garnered the most media attention at the initial Republican debate of the 2016 presidential campaign by crapping all over his 16 opponents, which he continued to do this week.

He then proceeded for the next two hours of the debate to crap all over the pack, acting like a gun-nut shooting fish in a barrel.

Instead of using the moniker “The Donald” he should change his nickname to “The Brazen Donald.” I have little doubt that he would relish the revision and embrace it as a compliment.

After the debate massacre, the very next day he set his sights on that smug bitch Megyn Kelly — one of Fox News’s prima donnas, who was co-hostess of the confab — and called her out for her bad attitude after she had dared to tangle with him.

On that one, I agree with him to this extent: She is one cold-hearted, nasty human being, regard- less of her time of the month.

She reminds me of the character Faye Dunaway played in the movie “Network,” in which Dunaway portrayed a TV executive who would stop at nothing to improve ratings, and do anything to further her interests with the network bigwigs: A woman with no conscience and no soul.

In one memorable scene she’s sleeping with William Holden, who plays the role of the network’s failing news-division chief, and while they’re in bed doing the nasty she’s quoting Neilsen ratings at the same time the two are going at it. It was surreal.

Their love-child could easily be Kelly, the Devil’s Daughter if ever there was one! The Daughter from Hell personified!

So “what is puzzling [me] is the nature of [Trump’s] game”: Can this guy actually win the nomination and/or the presidency with this much going on all around him?

The best part is that the circus has yet to come to town, with the election more than a year away and the Democrats ready to self-destruct during their “moment[s] of doubt and pain.”

If you think he’ll “go gentle into that good night,” you’re having an LSD flashback.

And if you think Slick Willie won’t ever embarrass Hillary again, you’re probably a meth head.

Donald Trump, “a man of wealth and taste” — mostly bad and poor — has all of us bedeviled and beguiled, both the smart among us, and the smart-asses as well.

The Rolling Stones as they looked in 1968, the year they first performed “Sym- pathy for the Devil.”  Standing, from left, and continuing clockwise, are Charlie Watts, Bill Wyman, Keith Richards (seated, right), Brian Jones and Mick Jagger. The song appeared on the opening track of their 1968 album “Beggars Banquet” and has been placed by Rolling Stone at No. 32 in the magazine’s list of the 500 Greatest Songs of All Time. Jones, the group’s founder/bandleader, died in 1969.

Mick and Keith, you got it right.

No matter how you cut it, it’s Breaking Bad!
 
jay.l.liner@gmail.com
 
CHECK OUT THE ROLLING STONES’ VIDEO OF “SYMPATHY FOR THE THE DEVIL”:  click here
 
Voice of Baltimore Managing Editor ALan Z. Forman contrib- uted to this commentary, assisted by Baltimore-based satirist J.R. Seifert Jr., a civil servant who admits to being “part of the problem.”
 
EDITOR’S NOTE:

Rolling Stone’s “500 Greatest Songs of All Time,” published in Dec. 2004, included few songs written prior to the 1950s.  The magazine’s No. 1 selection was Bob Dylan’s “Like a Rolling Stone,” released in 1965. “Sympathy for the Devil” came in at No. 32.

Jay Liner is an attorney practicing in Pikesville and is an avid political observer… who does not mince words.  His alter ego, for purposes of this commentary, is the fictional Walter White of AMC TV’s highly acclaimed drama “Breaking Bad,” played by Bryan Cranston and known clandestinely as “Heisenberg.”

The fictional Heisenberg’s namesake — real-life German theoretical physicist and quantum mechanics creator/pioneer Werner Heisenberg (1901-1976) — is best known for his “uncertainty principle” and is likely the inspiration for Walter White’s secret identity.

The Nobel Prize-winning Heisenberg’s theory of quantum mechanics gave rise to the famous “Schrödinger’s cat” paradox, a thought experiment devised by Austrian physicist Erwin Schrödinger in 1935 to illustrate a problem regarding quantum mechanics applied to everyday objects, in which a cat may be simultaneously both alive and dead as a result of being linked to a random subatomic event that may or may not occur.

White/Heisenberg may thus be considered both alive and dead at the same time — a “dead man walking,” in effect — due to his fatal diagnosis of inoperable Stage 3A lung cancer, while pursuing a criminal career.

Like Hillary and Trump, and most other duplicitous politicians — a redundancy, to be sure — he is a paradox: Good and bad, alive and dead, honored and disrespected, hated and loved, all at the same time.

A Bill Clinton/Donald Trump/Hillary Rodham/Any One of the Bushes, Kennedys, or whoever… for the ages.
 
CHECK OUT JAY LINER’S MOST RECENT VOICE OF BALTIMORE SATIRE:  click here  — and view all his VoB commentaries  by clicking here.