Snake Oil Salesman — A prototype for futuristic cable-TV huckster “Getrich Kwick,” who gives advice on what will sell & how to sell it.

WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT
CONSUMERS WORLDWIDE
WOULD ANTE UP BIG BUCKS
TO BUY BOTTLED WATER?

Huckster/Snake Oil Salesman
‘Getrich Kwick’ reveals how
to make money pandering
anything that will sell
 
By David Maril
 
With confusion and fear setting in over the rough path the stock market is following in this New Year, how long before we see the following on a cable-TV financial network business show?

The 45-year-old financial-expert host, opens with these investing tips for the New Year:

“Hello, I’m your host, Getrich Kwick,” he announces, revealing a heavy but clipped British accent.

“I’m going to tell you how to invest your money so you can retire, age 20 to 80, whenever you want, travel all over the world, plus own five houses, three yachts and 12 cars.

“It’s simply a matter of studying the economic patterns and understanding human nature. My theory is to predict what the impact trends will be and sink money into these ventures and products.”

He goes on:  “In case you haven’t noticed, paying for what you used to get free is in.

“And it’s only going to get bigger. Years ago, who would have believed people would actually pay to watch television? Cable, except in remote areas where regular reception was impossible, seemed pretty farfetched.

“So what happened? The free TV networks worked overtime producing inferior programming and viewers were driven to cable,” he adds.

“The economic theory in this scheme to get rich quick is to identify what everyone gets for free that can be converted into a premium product people would be willing to pay for. And following this commercial break, I will tell you how to strike gold.”

After the advertisement on how to order his new book, “Get Rich the Kwick Way,” he continues with the explanation of his strategic plan:

“The regular networks bought into cable,” he explains, “thereby creating related broadcast outlets, and now profit off the subscription fees.”

CONSUMERS WILLING TO PAY EXTRA FOR TV

“Today, people can’t seem to pay high enough figures for watching sports events, movies and other program packages. Besides basic cable and satellite fees, consumers pay extra for premium channels and special on-demand broadcasts. It’s only a matter of time before the World Series and Super Bowl move to on-demand cable so people will have to pay,” he asserts.

“A decade ago when pay satellite radio was proposed, people scoffed at the idea of monthly fees for listening privileges. But AM and FM stations kept mixing in more commercials, saved money by cutting back on public service, and pretty much turned to playing syndicated junk.

“Now, a growing number of listeners are singing the praises of satellite radio or streaming their broadcast content off the Internet. You can upgrade your listening experience hearing premium channels playing exactly what you want. Free radio in cars is considered a dinosaur, going the way of window handles and standard-shift transmission.

“The key here is to find what everyone gets for free that can be converted into a premium product people will pay for because it makes them feel special. When we come back from this break, I will tell you how to do all of this,” he promises.

Following the commercial, advertising a new line of robots that will walk your dog for only $999.95, Kwick offers more tips:

“Apparently there is no limit to what the buying public, who can afford it, are willing to pay for,” he says.

  Like Mr. Kwick, even Presidents are sometimes hucksters. Who would’ve thought?

“We have vacuum cleaners that will clean floors on their own. Cars are being manufactured with brakes that automatically stop you if there is a chance of colliding with the vehicle in front.

“Some cars are even equipped to park themselves in tight spaces.

“In the future, cars will be available that drive themselves and will be programmed to select the quickest routes, analyzing the traffic flow to reach your destination.

“The investment possibilities are endless!” he exclaims.

“And HERE is my hot tip of the day” — accompanied by a loud drum roll.

A tall, distinguished looking gentleman, wearing a tuxedo, then walks out on the set, pushing a shopping cart.

“I would keep an eye on investing in shopping carts,” Kwick announces, pointing to the cart.

“For example, think of all the money to be made in deluxe pushcarts. Once the stores decide to let their free models become too dirty to use, they can start renting shopping carts at $10 an hour.

“The new carts, sterilized and polished before each rental, will perk coffee and brew tea, play music, scan what you buy and total up the figures so you know how much you’ve spent.

“The cart will have a charge-card scanner and you will avoid the checkout line. This would enhance anyone’s shopping experience and serve as a status symbol when compared with squeaking, rickety old-fashioned free carts waiting in a line a mile long for the store’s only cashier.

“How ’bout rock salt and gourmet pepper? Restaurants could soon be charging $10 extra for a salt and pepper steward to come to your table and sprinkle these freshly ground delicacies on your plate.”

BLOWING PEPPER INTO YOUR NOSE

“At the same time, they could soak the free salt-shakers in water so nothing comes out and grind the pepper so fine it blows into your noise, making you sneeze when you try to use it.

“It’s all about encouraging you to explore enhancing the dining experience and the status of having a spice steward come to your table.

“Another wise investment would be deluxe power doors. Office buildings could start charging people who are not handicapped, $5 per roundtrip for the use of automatic doors.

“Make the free doors heavy and hard to open. The new, electric doors would be manned by attendants who could provide weather forecasts, stock tips, sports scores and baseball pitching matchups.”

Following the recorded sound of heavy applause, Kwick continues:

“I predict public benches could be a big revenue producer. Start selling seats for $15 an hour on cushioned, reclining benches in parks and on street corners. Digital speakers could blot out city noise by featuring recordings of waterfalls and other soothing sounds.

“It will help if cities and towns have municipal workers put gum and melted candy on the free wood benches.”

CANNED APPLAUSE ECHOES THROUGH THE SET

The noise of more canned applause echoes through the set.

“Thank you, thank you,” Kwick gushes with a smile, gesturing for the audience — which in reality does not exist — to take their seats.

“Elevator passes will be another gold mine,” he announces when the recorded applause noise subsides. “It’s only a matter of time before companies start charging for premium express elevator service. The cars would have thick carpeting and a sound system that brings new meaning to the term ‘elevator music.’

“Make the people who don’t want to pay use the freight elevator. Imagine the stigma of going to an important business meeting and stepping out of a car filled with trash barrels.”

If this sounds far-fetched, consider what the reaction would have been 10 years ago if someone had told you that someday people would gladly pay for bottled water instead of drinking their tap water for free.

Think how rich we’d all be if we had invested in spring water.
 
davidmaril@voiceofbaltimore.org
 
“Inside Pitch” is a weekly opinion column written for Voice of Baltimore by David Maril.
 
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